I bought myself a balloon yesterday.
It’s been a year since my house went from four occupants to three.
And what a year it’s been.
I’ve learned how to water my plants. To press my fingers in the dirt to see how thirsty they are. To not panic when a few leaves fall off. To not panic when a few plants die - due to a cold snap. It’s going to be okay. Things die sometimes.
I’ve learned, when the house gets too quiet, play some music. Coltrain will be my guest. Let Kokoroko be my dinner guest. Get moving with Nala Sinephro. I’ve learned how to dance when no one else is around.
I learned not to accept every invitation that sounds like a better time than being home on my couch, with my sketchbook and netflix.
I learned I’m a lot older now than I was the last time I was, without a romantic partner.
I learned that your vision really does decline in your 40s, and apparently it does not ask permission first.
I’ve learned that if I can’t take care of myself, nobody can.
I learned how to fix the toilet. Well, I’ve learned to try. I haven’t learned how to call a plumber. But I also I learned to be okay with a couple leaky faucets.
I learned how to file insurance claims after getting hit on the interstate.
I learned how to get up early, and cook breakfast every day.
I learned my coffee is better than all the baristas in Nashville, or at least how to trick myself into believing that so I can save the scratch.
I learned that antidepressants definitely make you fatter.
I learned to be okay with my dad bod. But not too okay to not try.
I learned that I won’t always have a plan for how helping with that pro bono project will help my pockets.
I learned that sometimes the chips are going to be low, and sometimes the chips are going to be high. And Chips are just chips.
I learned that meditation is a beautiful practice. It helps me. It grounds me. But it still ain’t my savior.
I learned that my kids can be the source of my happiness and the source of my discontent. Depending on their feelings, depending on their moods, their moods go up, I go up. They go down, I go down. And so, my value has to be placed somewhere else.
I’ve learned to clean up my living room, still learning to clean up my closet.
I’ve learned that there’s not enough weed in the world to get me high enough to forget my problems. And that weed eventually becomes a magnifying glass for the things I’m trying to ignore.
I learned that there aren’t any pools of water deep enough to quench my thirst.
I learned to not but every cupcake on sale.
I learned that flowers cost the same amount as cookies. So why not buy flowers?
I’ve learned that the hardest romance to keep is the one I have with myself.
And so,
I bought myself a balloon.
Here is a playlist from my collection.